I am a Valentine's Related Fic, Oh God
by Ohgodno
Summary: Ahh, Valentine's has come again, and this year's Cupid is fed up with the average couples. CA? FP? UF? What the hell? Warning: May Contain A Trace of Nuts and Sexual References.


**Author's note: Whoo. I haven't written Rayearth Fanfiction since... forever.  
Yay.  
Well. This sucks.  
OH! You might want to read 'Teh Easter-Bunneh' it might explain the self-inserty-ness. Or not.  
Disclaimer: I own nowt.

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It was a bright and sunny day in Cephiro, quite unlike Earth, as Earth was sat in the middle of a rather cold and wet February. Februarys were those months where it wasn't quite one season but it wasn't quite the other season either. But instead the poor Earthlings of the Northern Hemisphere were left with a rather unpleasant something in between.

But today, was a special day, for today for the day more commonly known as Valentine's Day.

"OH GOD!" cried the reader "The damn authoress is self-inserting herself... yet again!"

Yes, my dear readers, that I am. But I manage to pull it off so well (lies). Anyway, why are you all complaining? It's not as if I'm a new Magic Knight or anything. Nor will I get the affection of any character(s). Happy now? Yes? Right. Back to third person narrative.

And yet again, a familiar self-insert appeared at the main doors of the Palace of Cephiro. To make life easier for heroine, she was able to walk straight in without any complications, because your authoress is lazy like that. She had been here before, under the guise of the Easter-Bunny. Sadly, her master plan was screwed up as she was mistaken for Mokona, found out to be an impostor and then accused of kidnapping said Mokona. Of course, during all of this, Mokona was actually playing Go Fish! with the Prince and two other Earthlings who just conveniently happened to be there.

Our heroine returned to Earth and continued with her studies (that's a lie) and got into college (no idea how). She mistakenly forgot to return to Cephiro as Angel Gabriel and make Lantis immaculately conceptedly pregnant. Just for kicks and besides, everyone loves MPregs, even though they deny it. Though, now that our heroine actually thinks about this, she decided that a pregnant Lantis would be quite scary. Not to be mention wrong. She'd be better off making Fuu the lucky mum-to-be. However, she had missed the opportunity, and was now returning to Cephiro as the one, the only Cupid.

Our heroine wasn't particularly looking forward to this. At least she didn't have to wear a nappy. Thank god. Or Mokona, be as it were. No, she just wore a very pink outfit and donned a bow and arrow on her back, though technically there were several arrows. Our heroine approached the giant oak doors, just like last time and let herself into the room.

The canon residents turned towards the opening door and gasped loudly, in unison.

"You!" exclaimed the Guru pointing at the Cupid impersonator "What are you doing back here?"

Our Heroine smiled stupidly "I'm this year's Cupid!"

"Oh!" Fuu clapped her hands in that Fuu-ish way of hers "Today is Valentine's isn't it, Jade-san? It was Jade-san, yes?" 'Jade' nodded enthusiastically.

"What's this 'Valentine's' then?" asked Ferio.

"Valentine's is a day of love!" exclaimed Hikaru, jumping up and down excitedly.

Umi nodded "Yes! Today is the day when girl's send the boys they like, chocolates and cards. And then in a month's time on White Day, it's the boys who send the gifts."

"Not necessarily" interupted Jade "Maybe for your culture, but over in the Western World, Valentine's is for both sexes to send stuff."

"I see." said Clef, contemplating "Is this also an over-commercialised holiday like 'Easter' or 'Christmas'?" Clef remembered when the Magic Knights were explaining popular Earth holidays, but they had forgot to mention this Valentine's though...

"Absolutely! Everything is over commercialised on Earth. Religion, sex, iPods, Harry Potter..." Jade mused to herself.

"Then why are you here as Cupid, Jade-san?" Fuu asked "When we're all paired up, except for some of us, but it's rather obvious they'll end up married and have lots of children anyway?" Ascot blushed violently at this moment, whilst Caldina elbowed him in the ribs, suggestively.

Jade smiled deviously, and the authoress sighed at the amount of dialogue in that last section. Alas, these things cannot be helped, unless you're a fabulous and absolutely amazing authoress, which this authoress is not. Sigh. One day, one day. Jade, of course knew that practically everyone was happily paired up. She had read enough Fanfiction to know this. But Jade wanted to mix things up like the sadistic little bitch she is. "Oh, I know." she said "But I want to make things a little more interesting..."

The look of panic was struck across all the faces of the canon residents. Jade drew her bow and arrow and attempted to point it at Clef. "For just one day, you'll all have new loves." The canon residents gasped, in unison, again. For some reason, the canon residents just stayed where they were, rather than try to run away, damn these lazy authoresses.

"Erm... Jade-san..." Fuu said.

"Not now Fuu. I'm trying to aim."

"Jade-san, that is no way to hold a bow. You'll never hit your target and waste your arrows." Fuu said, matter of factly. The other canon residents chuckled. Fuu walked over to Jade. "Lower your right elbow a bit, hold your hand to your mouth, and stop glaring at your target, Jade; you're not trying to set him alight. Now take a deep, steady breath and release." Jade did as she was told fully knowing that Fuu's advice on archery was the best advice, and then released the arrow and hit Clef with it.

Jade jumped up and down happily. "Now for your new lover..." Jade turned herself towards her new victim, who panicked.

Umi panicked also "Why are you pointing it at Ascot?"

"Shush. Not now. Busy."

"No seriously, why are you-" But it was too late, Ascot was shot, and in a horribly cliché scene of running across a field, minus the field, Ascot and his new love, namely Clef, loving embraced and declared their undying love for other. The rest of the canon residents was traumatised, and in a mass-panic, ran around like free-range, living chickens that still heads, as headless chickens don't actually tend to run. It really should be noted that Clef is in his 20-odd year old form as seen in the Rayearth OAV (out now at all good stockists near you!)

Jade was pleased. She aimed her arrow, at her previous victim's elder adoptive sister.

"Wait, hun!" Caldina said. Caldina had a plan, a most brilliant plan, that would keep her out of this mess "How about, rather than ya pointing that ol' thing at me, Lafarga and I will go off and have lotsa- ...I mean, occupy ourselves so the authoress lady, doesn't have to write about the two of us?"

"Deal!" Jade beamed, the authoress drank some more tea in celebration and Caldina dragged Lafarga off to parts unknown. Lafarga wished Caldina wouldn't be so open about their sex life, but at least he wouldn't end up paired to Lantis or someone. Man, would that not only be wrong, but more importantly, just who would be the seme? They were both tall, strapping men, though official CLAMP artwork shows Lafarga to be taller... And so, off they went. The other still sane residents wishing they had thought of that plan too.

The next moments were rather rushed, as the authoress is lazy and should be learning her presentation on Homosexuality in Germany for her oral exam, rather than writing this, so in the end Umi and Fuu were shacked up, as were Ferio and Presea; and Mokona and Presea, and Jade was foolishly left with Lantis and Hikaru, who were already a couple. Jade decided to leave them to it, and to bow out, for she had been inserted enough into this fic and it was about time the actual canon characters got the centre stage. So Jade left, to do something equally as productive, like some good old procrastination on an instant messenger program.

The rest of the day consisted of lots of making out and declarations of love between the unnatural couples, the non-existence of Caldina and Lafarga, a very disturbed Lantis and Hikaru and a very amused Mokona and Primera, who find the whole ordeal thigh-slappingly funny, which raised alot of questions as Mokona doesn't have thighs, but Primera did so she could slap her thigh, if she wanted to, of course.

The day soon passed thankfully, as the authoress didn't have much to say really. Use your imaginations, kids. The day turned to night, and night turned into morning. And the first to awake was a young Palu, or Ascot, be as it were, though his eyes were still closed, slowly adjusting to the light, but he noticed something was wrong. For a start the bed was noticeably softer and the sheets, they were made from a different material than his own. Where the hell was he? He secretly hoped he had gotten drunk and finally bedded Umi, of course this was highly unlikely, he'd just fallen asleep in the wrong bed. He rolled over on to his side and finally, yet slowly opened his eyes. He was in bed with somebody after all, though who he was in bed with really disturbed him.

"What the fuck!" Ascot cried falling out of the bed and taking the bed sheet with him and causing the person in the bed to stir and awaken.

"Ascot, why are you sat on my floor?" the person in the bed, was Clef, if you haven't guessed, now don't panic kids, no sexual activity took place, so don't worry. Clef blinked several times "More importantly, why are you topless?"

Ascot blushed, these were his normal bedclothes. "I woke up in your bed..." That was all Ascot needed to say before Clef expelled the young Pale from his room with great force. Clef was determined to find out just what the hell was going on.

Breakfast rolled around, and several canon residents were extremely confused and had lost all recollection of the previous day. Of course, Hikaru, was more than happy to fill everyone in.

"...And that is how it all happened!" Hikaru proclaimed way too energetically for that time in the morning. Clef rubbed his forehead in despair, Primera and Mokona still laughed mockingly and Lantis was just... Lantis.

"I guess it's best we just all forget this little incident" Clef suggested, everyone else nodded in agreement.

A silence passed through the room. Umi felt the need to break the silence.

"Tea, anyone?"

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**Well.  
This sucks.**


End file.
